i'm taking a blog hiatus.

it's just too good to get away from the computer over break. if I don't have to be in front of the screen due to no schoolwork, then I shall avoid it at all costs. Ta ta for now. Give me a week or two ;)

pretty girl music

it's real. a very real term. should be in the dictionary. 

pretty girl music: noun.

ˈpritē gərl ˈmyo͞ozik

sounds of soft, sweet, happy-go-lucky or slightly dramatic.

feels like floating. want to wear baby-pink colors and

gaze dreamily out of white lace curtains on a lazy sun-bathed afternoon

while reading Jane Eyre and DIYing surprise gifts for friends, you, and your dog.

examples:
"Songbird": Jillian Edward
"High Hopes": The Vespers
"Are We There Yet": Ingrid Michaelson
"Have You Seen My Love": Rosie Thomas
"Chasing Cars": Natasha Bedingfield
"Colorblind": Natalie Walker
"My Love Hasn't Grown Cold": Bethany Dillon
"Betty": Brooke Fraser
"Good Woman": Cat Power
"Everywhere I Go": Lissie & Ellie Goulding
"Hide & Seek": Imogen Heap
"Merry Happy": Kate Nash
"The Special Two": Missy Higgins
"The Nearness of You": Norah Jones
"Quiet": Rachel Yamagata
"Two Birds": Regina Spektor
"All This Time": Sara Watkins
"One Voice": The Wailin' Jennys


And that's the short list.

strangest night

that was probably one of the strangest night's sleeps ever. I woke up at about 2am to a nightmare that I can't remember, and I just laid there staring up, willing myself to sleep. but it wouldn't happen. it felt like noon. so i roll outta bed for a snack.
boiled brussel sprouts and a mug full o' cereal. okay that was weird.
read a little bit of "forgotten god" by francis chan, but was too lazy to look up the scriptures that he alluded to.
turned off the lights for bed, finally. but then i laid there and just felt a real uneasiness. look at them.
okay fine! light's on (it's nearly 3am now). and i'm shocked by what I found.

1) the Holy Spirit will give me words when i need them... mostly in reference to the times when i'm bearing witness about God. but it literally says here in Mark 13:11, "do not be anxious beforehand about what you are to say, but say whatever is given to you in that hour, for it is not you who speak, but the Holy Spirit". woah, that's awesome.

2) the Spirit will teach and remind me about what I need to know and do and feel in order to follow God well. Psalm 143:10 says "teach me to do your will, for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground!"... it's so good to know that I'm not just kinda left to figure stuff out on my own. I definitely need help, and that's one of the Spirit's prime roles in my life.

3) and then I was just struck to the floor with this verse, Ps. 143:6...

"I stretch out my hands to you; my soul thirst for you like a parched land."

so that's where i'm really at. thirsty, and in awe of God, and in deep love with Him. He is amazing and I am so unworthy, but so so thankful. I could say "thank you God" for the gift of His Son, of the Spirit, of His unconditional Love, a million times over, and it would never never be enough. I am always thirsty for more. More of you God!

And then I decided to put on my top favorite song of all time, "Untitled 3" by Sigur Ros. There's something so.. so... still and lovely and reverent and thoughtful and freeing about that song. 


and then I fell asleep. only to have another super strange dream that involved humans shrinking down to the size of babies and then dying because they shrank to the point where they needed to be in a mother's womb to survive. and I prayed that the Holy Spirit would intervene and restore them. but they died, and so I ran to the hospital down the hallway, told them what happened, and the nurse was so slowww and I couldn't speak because I had been crying and screaming too much in my room. so I ran back to my room, and found one of the babies still there, but somehow plumper, and I just wanted to hold her. and then I saw an old woman in the room, who was clinically insane. she was hunched over and mumbling nonsense with a crazed look in her eyes, carrying a strange doll that resembled her, with scraggly grey hair. So I grabbed the old lady's hand and pulled her along with me to the hospital, barely processing her presence because I was so distressed about what had just happened, totally in shock that it was even possible. and so I went into the hospital, and said "take care of her". and another nurse looked at me and said, "you look real sweet holding that baby, it really suits you" and I responded with "she's dead but I can't put her down I love her so much" and as I cradled her and looked down, I saw her pure, perfect lip twitch a bit. "oh my goodness, did you see that! she's alive! take her in, hook her up to something, she's going to be okay. help!" but no one moved. no one did anything and i was panicking madly. so I just held her close and prayed over her more. oh yeah, I did actually pray for them earlier. did it work? is the Spirit actually bringing them back to life? "go get the other babies! go get them! they're all alive!" but no one moved. and then i remembered the old lady and looked at her, and she looked back. her eyes clear for the first time, and everything within me froze over. she did it. this was spiritual warfare. that's why it didn't make sense with the real world. this was from another world. and so i prayed out loud. and i prayed and prayed and I could feel the little girl in my arms begin to gain strength. she wouldn't be restored to the full adult human that she was, but now she was mine to take care of, put in my charge by God as a remembrance of what I had witnessed of His supernatural strength to redeem and make things right.

and then I woke up, drenched in sweat, heart pumping. woah, what?

so that was my weird weird night.

thankful grateful good

things that I am thankful for during this Thanksgiving break (which was much much needed):

• roadtripping with momma and daddio
• stayed up til 2am finishing Anne of Avonlea, just because I could
• ate one of every kind of six pies that we had at the thanksgiving feast, and didn't feel a bit guilty
• wandered up and down dirt roads without a purpose but to thank God and think on Him
• felt the solidarity of family and history as I listened to Grandma Boots tell about her childhood that took place just a few miles away, tucked in the trees and hills among natural springs, flatrocks, caves, long walks to the schoolhouse, and playful siblings
• rediscovered my love for Sleeping At Last, after reading an excerpt about them from Shauna Niequists' book, Cold Tangerines (which I also completed, and I loved)
• spent a lot of time doodling in the car
•  went hiking with my family, and saw them all go past their comfort zones, wading through freezing creeks, and pushing themselves up steep, rocky hills
• etcetera.

overall, i feel fully refreshed. well, I guess that "fully" is a rash term. when are we ever fully refreshed? well, i guess I just feel great. I really needed to escape, and re-center. I was feeling a bit insecure before I left (though I didn't really realize it until I had the chance to step back and see it all from an outside view).. I was overthinking things that ought not to be overthought upon. I was simply a chaotic mess inside of my head. And now it's all a bit clearer, simpler.

two things have become certain:
the Kingdom of God feels more global, more local, and more eternal than ever before.
and:
the world around us is threaded through with divinity, it is our choice whether we see it or not.

oh, and also:
i'm content. i'm thankful for who I am, for where I am, for who I am surrounded by, for where I am going, for Who is guiding me. 



and NOW it is officially the beginning of Christmas music. YAYY! (thankful for that too)

reminder

"... they may be won without a word, by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

do not let your adorning be external-- but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart
with the

imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit

which in God's sight is...

very precious."


[1 peter 3:2-4]

gimme a break

I've been on doggy patrol this week while my parents were in Florida. Goodness, I feel like I have suddenly gotten in touch with another side of my personality. That maternal, domesticated one. I wake up, like clock-work, every morning at about 6 to let them out, to feed them, to cuddle them, to run with them. And let me tell ya, I'm feeling more fit than ever this week because Bear has forced me to run with him every morning. He is quite the baby when he doesn't get his way.

And now it's just about Thanksgiving. Rounding the corner on Thursday, is the greatest day for eating. Really, I'm just very excited to eat mom's cranberry-apple-granola stuff that I eat for days/weeks following because it's just that good... and then we make it again for christmas, and it's just the winteriest snack in the world.

I'm so ready for a break.
I feel exhausted in every nook and cranny of my mind, my body, my heart. I just need a rest. Don't make me think. Don't make me strive. Don't make me sprint. Let me sit for a while, with a good book, a tea, and family that let's me be who I am uncensored.
(Too bad I have a chemistry test and lab report due next week. What's wrong with them?!)

Anyways, it's gonna be good regardless.

swell saturday

Today is just a happy day! The sun is shining, the farmer's market was less-crowded, but more full of friends. I bought some snap peas, cabbage, and holiday bread. I ate homemade granola for breakfast. Goin to pick up the pups for a week of babysitting. The air is crisp and soft. 


I feel simply swell. And oddly, I just want to jump up and down and squeal for joy at it all, like these two lovely men.


I hope that ya'll have a good day today too. And, hey, if you're not having the best of days... well, do something random that will make you happy. Maybe write a postcard. Say hi to your neighbor for a change. Bake. Light a candle while you study. Whatever you gotta do to make that smile appear on your heart today.

they're confused and confusing the masses

I was walking on campus, just enjoying the sun and the breeze and the free-flowing feel of the day at hand. And then I heard some loud voices and a group of students surrounding them. My stomach dropped and my pulse quickened. As I got closer I saw a man wearing a vest that said "Fear God" with glittery letters, holding a large sign that says "Sinners Go To Hell". Oh geez, I've seen this before. Whatever, no one pays attention to that anyways, I sure hope. It's more of a show than anything. And then another student walks up there and starts yelling things like, "Jesus is dead! God killed his own son! He raped women!" blablabla... ohhh I just got so angry and before I knew it I was stepping into the nearly empty circle, standing face to face with this ignorant, red-faced, long-haired young man. And I just said, "You know you're wrong, don't you?" and he replied with a stutter and then a stream of words that meant nothing to me, but were very very wrong about God once again. I just shook my head and said, "Hey maybe you should try reading the Bible? Just read John, maybe then it would at least clear up what it is that you're denying." He told me to read the Apocrypha before I suggest him reading the Bible, but I could tell by his eyes that something softened, something clicked, and maybe he'll actually read it. So he went on giving his little comedy sketch that involved mocking the Bible-thumpers, and whilst all of this was happening, before walking away, I just had to say it: "Hey ya'll, just to let you know: this is not Christianity." , and a few student in the audience nodded in agreement, some of them looked confused, and others just seemed to appreciate some normalcy in the chaos. So then I left with a friend, dropped a few tears, tried to stop my shaking hands and heart, and then we prayed together over it all, over everyone watching and hearing. The whole thing just broke my heart. But God is so much greater. God is so much greater. And so I just pray that the students that were there will experience God someday and will understand the difference of Him from that silly display of Christian Madness. My heart still hearts, the Holy Spirit within me hurts. But Jesus wouldn't stand out there justifying to everyone that He is the Messiah. He didn't have to. People just knew, just like I mentioned earlier about Mary falling at his feet. So if Jesus just stood there in front of that group of students and Bible-Thumpers, they would all stop, and they would all know. But He's not doing that. However, that shows just how Big and how Real and how Good our God is.

Phew, I'm still recovering.

relaxing fully

I went home this weekend to be my dad's date for the Breeder's Cup, a pretty huge horse race that happens at Churchill Downs in Louisville each year. And we had free box seats, with fancy free food and drinks all day. Couldn't pass that up, duh. The weather was fine, and the strong horses even finer... maybe the most fine part of the day was me, though. Oh oops, just kidding, maybe I shouldn't have said that.  ;)

The rest of the weekend was full of a whole lotta quality re-lax.
Watched a few movies (Water for Elephants and Jane Eyre... both so good!), took a nap even, and spent a multitude of minutes in the brisk, yet warm, sunny weather. It was so positively perfect outside, my heart felt like it would swell at the sight and feel of it all.
And I felt free to simply sit and chat lazily with my dad and mom. No rush. No stress. Let's just talk about what's on our mind, how we're relating to God, the funny things our dogs do (lots of snoring and farting as they sleep), and whatnot. That's my favorite way to talk, and probably most people's favorite way to talk-- each listening, each freely speaking. It's good good good.


So yes, that was a swell weekend. And I just feel swell. So blessed to have such wonderful parents.

okay, will do.

saturate the house

In John 12, our guy John talks about the moment when Mary (Martha's sister) was on the ground anointing Jesus' feet with an alabaster jar of expensive perfume, and then going so far as to even wipe off his feet with her unbound hair.

And John adds:
"The house filled with the fragrance of the perfume"

Well, the whole act of dumping good-smelling oils and lathering one's hair upon a man's feet seems fully unnecessary. And that last sentence about the house smelling good now too is just some dainty topping on an already awkward cake.

There was absolutely no reason for Mary to do this. She hadn't seen it done before and thought huh, yeah okay I'll prostrate myself on the ground too and anoint Jesus too, because that's what all the cool kids do. 

The thing is, is her act was absolutely un-cool. The definition of strange, even back then.

But she felt compelled.
she just did it.
 
Because she knew who Jesus of Nazareth actually was. That He was in fact the King of Glory, the Saviour of the World, the Son of God, the Holy of Holies. This is God incarnate standing in front of her in a room full of people eating and talking and cooking and drinking wine and..and..she just couldn't do nothing about the reality of where she was and Who she was with.

So she grabbed the most valuable thing she could find and gave it up, let it go, poured it out.
And she put it on Jesus' feet. The dirtiest, grimiest place on his body. The place that most people would reel away from. And then she took her hair down (which was scandalous for those times) and wiped his perfumed feet with it. As if saying: I have nothing but myself to give you. No towel, no sponge, but me.  

You know what this is?
Humility.
No inhibitions.
Giving from the deepest core of her being.

Everyone else was constantly coming to Jesus to ask for healing, to ask for advice, for prayer, for guidance, to walk with him, to eat with him, to take and take and take.
And Mary, without words (that we know of) simply falls to the ground and gives all, without Jesus even asking her to.

And then, I love how it says that the house was saturated with the scent of this act. As if the entire house permeated the humility that Mary just showed, the true love that she just gave to Jesus.

Maybe,
if I gave like that,
gave myself wholly, truly, without inhibition, and without reason besides love itself,
my house  (life/actions/words/circumstances)
would be saturated with that fragrance as well.

Running and Climbing

What a funny night. So I finished my chem test, and was feeling pretty alright about it all. I'm beginning to overcome my test anxiety, especially as it pertains to chemistry (grrr chem). But it's getting better.

And there I go, riding home on my lovely white Specialized, whistling as I go, meanwhile contemplating in my head about what to do when I get home. Go to the climbing gym? Run? Cook? Homework? Sit? Tea? The sun was beating down on my face as it was setting down below homes, beckoning my feet to the pavement. Okay, I'll run.

And off I went. It was just one of those really good, perfect running nights. Listening to the new John Mark McMillian cd (wonderful), did double my usual running length, my head was feeling euphoric, my eyes bright, my legs strong, my spirit free. And then I got to the house and.. all doors locked. Oops. Well I could sit out on the porch for who knows how long. Or, hmm, break in?

So I got my climbing in for the night. Smeared up the front of my house, stuck my head, shoulders, booty, and feet through the tiny slit of window that I could get open, and then I tumbled into my room, tripping on my desk and swivel chair. I had a lovely laughing fit all to myself.

Lessons learned this evening:
There's always another option.
I'm more physically fit than I give myself credit for anymore.
It feels really good to genuinely laugh when no one's around.
Go with my first instinct (most of the time).

eventful

I went on a rock climbing trip this weekend to Red River Gorge.. twas quite a sweet adventure. I mostly loved the outdoors and how the outdoors loves me back: the dwelling in a tent, the hiking in the woods, the hugging of rock faces. Oh yeah, and Miguel's pizza (may not be "natural" but its still in the woods). Makes my heart swell! Not to mention the fact that we had such a fun and lovely group of students that all went. I would venture to say that we all became friends. You actually can't say that for all weekend getaways... sometimes it goes the opposite direction, where people realize that they hate people. But I realized that I love people. I really love people. I love how unique everyone is, how when they're away from their normal environments, like fraternities, student groups, books, sports, etc they become just very raw and very wonderful people. We had a lot of wonderful conversations, by which we shared meaningful stories and facts and thoughts on life and the like.



On our second day, one of the instructors fell off the rock and broke her nose pretty badly. She's okay, and everyone handled it so gracefully. In fact, I would say that it brought us closer, as most "traumatic" events often do. When you spend a lot of time in a hospital with people, you get a lot more time to chat. And so we did. And we ate at a delicious mexican restaurant in Lexington (The Local Taco!). The whole weekend was a full-on success: gained new friends, gained new confidence in my climbing, and gained the remembered knowledge that I love people, no matter who they are, because all people are just people and they always have something spectacular to give to the world around them.

Awake

Suddenly, for what seems like no reason at all, I feel more awake. And it's certainly not due to more sleep. In fact, that necessary portion of my life is dramatically parched right now. Not my body; my soul.

I just want to cry all the time, happy tears, frightful tears, at the Holiness of Jesus.

(And I try to say that phrase in the least corny way possible, but so many people say it in so many ingenuine ways that it is hard to put out there without feeling a bit silly and fake. But I mean it deeply. The Holiness of God.  I could say the word Holiness ten million times and still feel lost in the complexity and misunderstanding and awe of the word applying to One entity, God Himself.)

There is a sovereignty over the WHOLE WORLD due to this Holy-factor, and there is a sovereignty over my life as well. Which for some odd reason, is still very important to God. I am still very important to God. You are too.

So I guess a few days ago, something in me shifted. I've been feeling so "on edge".. you know that feeling, I'm sure... but I've been feeling this way since living in Australia. I've been so unsure of my future, unconfident about my ability to do this huge load of coursework, afraid that I'm going to fail in every aspect of my life. And so I've just been carrying that with me, always always praying that God would give me some sort of clarity about my future. You don't have to tell me everything God, I just need to feel reassured that I'm doing the right thing here. Am I even going the right direction? (see: ropes).

Well, after venting to my parents about my life-dilemmas, they both reassured me that I can do whatever I want with my life and they won't be disappointed. They said that I certainly don't have to do PT, I just need to do what I will love. Okay, fair enough. That's exactly what I needed to hear. And after toying with the idea of not doing PT, I want to do it again. Go figures.

So The Shift. It happened a few days ago. Studies have been harder than ever. But they don't feel impossible. I'm walking around with a peace. I'm sitting with a peace. I'm sleeping with a peace. I'm chatting with a peace. I'm praising with a peace. I'm test-taking with a peace. Peace feels like this overwhelmingly-awesome new friend that I just realized has been with me ever since kindergarten, I just never noticed her before.

Anyways, so I'm ready for the long haul that PT school brings, ready for a new kind of joy that comes with this.

Maybe it's the cold air, shocking my system back.
I saw my breath, white in the chilly wind, for the first time today.

i saw the wind breathing this morning

Or maybe it was the tree.

I was out on my morning jaunt through Bryan Park, just as the sun was glowing yellow behind the trees, sparking life into creatures and growing things. The white cloudy fog was suspended in a content hover over the grassy field, among the swingsets, through the branches. I had to sprint through it, arms wide. Flying, of course.

Near the end of my loop, I decided to do a bit of conditioning, and almost did pull-ups on the workout equipment, but then thought better of that silly idea when I saw a perfectly good pine tree, with branches like a ladder, soaring up into the sky. Much better. I'm gonna call it a stinky pine from now on. It didn't have that fresh pine smell... just sorta... it had a stinky-sorta-fresh scent to it. Probably similar to my scent after a workout. Anyways, the stinky-pine beckoned me and I loved it.

So I climbed up, and I sat. And I talked to God. And I sat. And when I'm having a hard time focusing on the world around me, I just put all of my energy into looking at one single thing, such as the bark on the tree that looked like fingerprints left there by Indians long ago. And then I followed my eyes as they went down the branch, wondering over the hardened sap bubbles, sitting upon the surface of the wood. And there it was, a soft white trickling of breath gently flowing over the tree branch. I stopped breathing for a moment, just in case it was my own breath I was seeing. But it kept flowing, like a slow-motion waterfall. Sweetly breathing wind. Life, alive. God reminding me that He is indeed alive, that He is indeed Good, He is indeed very much real. Even the wind breathes. Or maybe it was the tree. Life, alive.

burn the rope

Much of my life can be summed up into a series of ties. Not all ties are bad, but some are. First and foremost: there is a thick, golden-threaded, white rope that has tied me to Christ from before I can remember. It's kinda like the rope that held me while I went bungy-jumping in New Zealand (it was just about as thick as my waist)-- except this terrific rope of God's has absolutely no chance of snapping (wish I could have said that confidently before jumping nearly 134 m off of a tower... here's a vid if you're curious...). Anyways. I like that rope. I need that rope. Without it, I would fall a frightfully long way, without a hope of being saved at all. It's kinda like I've spoiled the heroic effort that shall come and sweep me off my feet just before I smash into the ground... except that I haven't spoiled a thing because somehow every time that I almost have that smash-ground experienced, I have been continually surprised by the superhero-strength, undeserved-grace that I receive from the Father.

But that's still not the point here.

I was passively listening to a song (can't even tell you what it was now..) while driving yesterday. The only phrase I hear was "burn the ropes". Something about that made my heart stutter for a sec. You know that feeling, don't you? You feel surprised by something you hear/see, but normally it would have little to no effect on you at all? Like I said, I don't even know the song.

And I'm an image kinda person. By that, I mean, I'm a huuuge daydreamer. I go through scenarios, fantastical themes, silly ideas, pretend-worlds, all sorts of things, all the time. (No wonder I have a hard time getting that homework done...). So when I heard "burn the ropes" I had an instant-image in my head of myself sawing off a big, thick, annoying rope from my boat-- it was tied off in one direction, but all of my other, cleaner, sweeter, beautifully colored and tied ropes were extending out from the other side of the boat, in no apparent single direction, but definitely not on the other side of the boat. After sawing off that stupid rope, it began to re-grow itself, reaching its fibers out towards me, towards my boat. So I grabbed a torch and sset it aflame, knowing the implications would be permanant ones.And it slithered through the sky, in that opposite direction, until finally sinking below the sea-line. The scene is actually quite similar to the Wizard of Oz scene... I could almost hear the rope screaming out in agony, "I'm melting! Melllttinnng! Oh what a world, what a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness!"

Hypotheticals are nice, but I'm a very blunt person, so I generally get annoyed after a while. What's the rope? Yeah I've been asking God that very question all day yesterday and today. And I think I got an answer.
He said to me (in the filter of my mind's own words, of course):
"'young and free', rachel? is that it? is that you're excuse?"

In order to understand why that really struck me, you'll have to have a bit of a background. So I'm about to graduate in a little under a year, yet I don't know what I'm doing yet. Typical, I know. But in my head, I'm thinking... hey, I'm young! what's the hurry? no worries, it'll all work out, i've got heaps of life to live and learn from. And I'm also thinking about the fact that I have no commitments to another individual... as in, I'm not engaged, not in a relationship, don't have to live in a certain town... I could go anywhere and do anything. A bit overwhelming, but also very freeing. I'm young and I'm free.  And therefore: no worrieees! See how that has become more of an excuse to not have to choose a career or commit to a life-place?

It's okay that I don't have all of that stuff figured out yet, but it's the fact that I'm owing it all to the fact that I'm 'young and free' and shouldn't have to care. That's stupid. The fact is, is that I'm actually on a path right now, I just can't see for the life of me what it is... but those ropes are all tied off to some other place, far off in the distance. And the only reason I'm not moving towards them is because I've got this old, snaggy, annoying rope that has been tying me to this "checkpoint island" for way too long. I was supposed to be here and gone, but I've lingered, and now I've stopped moving altogether. So the rope must be cut, must be burned. It symbolizes my youthful laziness, my inability to listen and obey, it symbolizes a whole long list of excuses that I've used to keep me from doing things that matter with my life.

So I'm working on cutting and burning that rope right now... I'm just trying to make sure I've got every little fiber of it off of my freakin boat. And I'm walking to the other side of the boat, where there is a breeze that will gently float me toward those long, mysterious ropes that were supposed to stay. Eventually, I will have to cut off others (even if just for a time, so they can grow back), and some I shall have to burn. Because they don't all go in one direction, and one day all of the important ones remaining will be in a uniform direction towards goodness and wholeness of life. But this is the first step. This is my first rope to burn of the season.

wisdom from the wise

Even the regenerated soul may sometimes suffer from the feeling that God is far from him. What then should he do?

First, the trouble may be no more than a temporary break in God-conscious communion due to any one of half a hundred causes. Trust God in the dark till the light returns.

Second, should the sense of remoteness persist in spite of prayer and what you believe is faith, look to your inner life for evidences of wrong attitudes, evil thoughts or dispositional flaws. These are unlike God and create a psychological gulf between you and Him. Put away the evil from you, believe, and the sense of nearness will be restored. God was never away in the first place. ("..in Him we live and move and have our being" Acts 17:28)

It is a splendid rule to refrain from making decisions when we are discouraged.

Periods of staleness in the life are not inevitable but they are common. He is a rare Christian who has not experienced times of spiritual dullness. Sometimes our trouble is not moral but physical. The Christian who gets tired in the work of the Lord and stays tired without relief beyond a reasonable time will go stale.

We can keep from going stale by getting proper rest, by practicing complete candor in prayer, by introducing variety into our lives, by heeding God's call to move onward and by exercising quiet faith always.

Stop trying to compete with others. Give yourself to God and then be what and who you are without regard to what others think.
Reduce your interests to a few. Don't try to know what will be of no service to you. Avoid the digest type of mind.
Learn to pray inwardly every moment. Practice candor, childlike honesty, humility. Pray for a single eye.
Read less, but read more of what is important to your inner life.
Call home your roving thoughts.
Gaze on Christ with the eyes of your soul. Practice spiritual concentration.





-an excerpt from A.W. Tozer's, 'Counsel for Faith's Journey' found in the booklet, Gems From Tozer.

I told a stretchy lie and it made me feel cooler.

This current event of mine took place at TheCanvas last night (for those of you that don't know, Canvas is a twenty-somethings collaborative ministry that seeks to experience holistic truth in the way of Jesus... me and a lot (but not all) of my friends go there every Wednesday evening).

So anyways. Got to Canvas, chatting with friends, catching up...
my pal asks me: "So Rachel, what have you been into recently? Haven't talked to you in a while!"
me: "ummm... I don't know... a lot, I guess!"
pal: "Well, like what? I wanna know what you're into now!"
(For the record... this "into" word is very typical of my life, as was stated in my previous post. I tend to pick and choose certain things to obsess over for certain seasons of my life. Or maybe God chooses them for me. Sometimes it's hard to tell. Anyways.)
me: "Well, I've been waking up real early every day to go for runs! And it's still dark out because it's at like 6:30, so it's really nice and relaxing and cool!"
pal: "Geeeez, that takes commitment! You're pretty intense!"
(And at this point, the conversation turns to other people and I start feeling a bit... unfinished.)

I wanted to say "Wait, but there's more! I do more than just wake up early and go for runs in the dark!". But I didn't.
Well, oh well. Nothin to do about that now, I'll just let him think what he wants (which translates to... now he'll just be left thinking that I'm way 'intense' and freakin awesome)(or something like that).

And then the message at Canvas last night juuuust so happened to be about being honest. That's the first step to actually experiencing the Kingdom of God. You have to be totally honest about yourself to yourself so that you can be honest to God and he can be real with you. Does that make sense? It does to me, in my head, so I hope it makes sense to you too because it is very important. The thing is, is that if I can't be honest with myself about who I really am, then how can I expect God to suddenly "work"with me in that area of my life and draw me closer to "perfection" by His Grace? If I cover myself up with pretty little fibs, then I just look so damn perfect, and the real truth is, is that I'm not all that perfect at all.

Obviously, after pondering over those thoughts for about an hour during Canvas, I was feeling a bit convicted, so to speak, about the conversation that I had with my dude-friend prior to the evening. I didn't get a chance to talk with him, so this is my public admittance instead, which may or may not be more effective.

So here's the truth about what I've been into lately: 
(I really shouldn't have covered them up if I'm so glad about them in my life. Humans are weird that way.)
- First and foremost: quietness. (Eccl. 4:6)
- Attempting to be a good, studious student.
- Playing house. (I love where I live right now!)
- Reading lots and lots of books, of the childish-type, and the Christian-Wisdom type.
- Cooking and mostly baking.
- Exercising in a normal/real-people kinda way. (not obsessing over it anymore, not wasting myself over it)
- Which has included my (almost) daily morning jogs (not runs... let's be real).
- Being crafty in any way I can (notice I don't say every way; I'm not trying to be 'artsy': just having free-time fun) 
- And I don't have to try to make the list any longer if nothing else comes directly to mind so I'm done.

Saying the truth feels pretty dang good. Give it a try. I'm certainly talking to God right now about why I felt the need to tell my friend about my non-BigDeal-runninginthemornings (to feel affirmed/to feel cool). It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the truth either. It was a stretchy lie. And that's probably not what he wanted to hear when he asked me a genuine question.

I'm gonna start to be more honest with myself/others/Father and then see what happens.

Trying Things On

So, remember my beautiful pup I mentioned, barely a post ago? Yep, she's gone now. I had to give her a new home because mine couldn't handle her. Which sounds like my way of saying "I'm not responsible enough for a dog", just in a nicer way that may prevent some from saying "told you so". However! That is not fully the case. But I won't lie, it is a part of it. Mostly, she's a pointer, and pointers love to run, love to hunt, love to be outdoors as much as possible. And our quaint little house in the middle of Bloomington, just is not adequate for her in that manner. So, a lovely couple has her now, and they have lots of land and lots of time to train her with. I'm just happy for her, that she'll be very happy now. But I do love her so much, so that was hard.

Something about Lucy's coming and going seemed familiar to me, and I had to stop and think about why. Well, as I sat in my exercise psychology class not listening and instead writing, I jotted down some thoughts on this. Here they are:

I've been "trying on" lifestyles for most of my ancient twenty-two year old life. It started in elementary school, like many behaviours often do (never discount childhood). I wanted to try being a "girlfriend" because I had heard the word and seen it in movies, and so I gave it a shot. I didn't know I was supposed to actually talk to the guy... Needless to say, it didn't work out. I decided then that having a boyfriend was silly. I tried a few more times in middle school and high school, but that first one was enough to tell me that the idea wasn't all it's cracked up to be. And I've only been in one real relationship since (didn't work out either). Other lifestyles I tried (mostly in the form of clothing): being a hippie, being hardcore/hipster, preppy, school-spirited. I would try them out for a few weeks, maybe months, maybe a day. Now I have come to be content in greys, tans, stripes, and splashes of color. I tried to be a dancer... gave that lifestyle a shot, what with all of the rehearsal schedules, constant attention on my bod, always in a mirror, many injuries... decided no, not for me either. And I tried being the caretaker of a dog. That obviously didn't work out either. This is what I do; I try on lifestyles like I try on clothes (those that know me know that this can be a tedious process).

So here I am: in limbo.
Not in a bad way, per se, but just... "trying things out".
It makes sense now why I'm having a hard time committing to the career choice of a physical therapist. I haven't had the chance to genuinely try it out to see if I want it to stick forever (or for at least a very long time).

I'd like to try out many lifestyles to find that "one": baker, small business owner, personal trainer, massage therapist, pilates instructor, missionary, PT. What's it gonna be? Is it even possible to try these all out? Probably not. But who knows. Maybe it will just be very clear to me one day. I really pray that it will be, because I think I've stressed my parents out enough. But I can't help the fact that I'm such a whirlwind of a lady. If I could help it to stop, I probably would. But then again, my life would be a lot more boring, so maybe I wouldn't.

"Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and striving after wind."

Ecclesiastes 4:6

woopdidooda

I got a new dog on August 8th, from the Kentucky Humane Society. She was really cute the first few days, all cuddled up to me and quiet. And then the real Lucy came forth... she's still cute. But she's also quite a menace sometimes. And by "sometimes", I mean at least three times a day she eats something she's not supposed to, throws up where she shouldn't, jumps a fence, etc. It's an adventure, that's for sure. Good thing I love adventures. This is certainly a learning experience for me. But I do love her, I really do. It's fun to have some"one" to take care of and keep alive. She wakes me up really early to go run with her everyday, so that's good too. She's mostly cute, sometimes evil, but most of all... she's mine and I love her. The girls at my house love her too (which is good because when I'm ready to leave her out for life, they're so gracious to her. like she lives with a bunch of lesbian moms).

I'm stressing out with school a bit, but I'm just trying to keep my head above water.
One of my goals this semester is to achieve straight A's. Exhale. Okay, I'm really gonna work for it.
I just need to prioritize and have fun with all. Keep telling myself how much I just LOVE SCHOOL!
And it'll all be alright :)

Good things in store for this season of my life. Good Good Good