I'm Still Here, Even More Than Ever Before

sweet Goodness, the past few months have been a journey for me. call me Sojourner.

My eyes are opening, my heart is softening, my mind expanding, body strengthening, spirit learning, soul is giving way.

the truth of the Greater Picture just keeps fluctuating. I know that I know that I know that it is so much Greater than I usually realize. 

I'm about to graduate, and with that comes a whole heap of insecurities, of expectations, of feelings of failure, of fear, of doubt.

Keeping my head above water has been a challenge, but I'm learning. 

Everyday I have to re-group. Make some lists. Step back and breathe. Pray pray and pray some more (that's the most important).

When I say my "soul is giving way" this is what that means:

surrender

letting go of my expectations

allowing my life and my desires to be moldable (to the Lord's, but to no one else's)

ya know those tension strings that seem to make your shoulders tighter, your heart feel like its about to pop if you twist too much, your rib cage wrapped too closely around your lungs making breaths shorter, and your brow furrow in a series unattractive skin folds on your face? 

.... letting my soul give way to God is manifested through is snapping some of those strings or stretching them out.

I can't dance when I'm tight like that.

I can't breathe, can't think, can't sit and absorb Him. 

It does nothing good for me and does nothing good for the world, for the Kingdom (here and coming).

"But I know that You delight in me; 

my enemy will not shout out in triumph over me.

But You have upheld me because of my integrity

and set me in Your presence forever." Psalm 41

Facts:

-the value system that the world works by is incomplete (I am not defined by my GPA, my degree, my internships, etc)

-the Kingdom of God is eternal, the world is not.

-our Father God will ultimately glorify Himself at whatever cost; whether we choose to join Him or not.

-He will not put us to shame, if we remain in Him, abiding in Him (Psalm 25)

-"Seek first the Kingdom of God and His Righteousness and all things will be added to you" (Matt 6)

-"There is no fear in love, but perfect Love casts out fear" (1John 4)

-"These signs will accompany those who believe: in My Name they will cast out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up serpents with their hands; and if they drink any deadly poison, it will not hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover" (Mark 16:17-18) 

-"Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you" (James 4:8) 

I am glad to be here. 

I am fuller, ready, moving, breathing, non-mechanical, eager, joyful, okay, sometimes anxious, sometimes angry, in love, surrendering, listening, praying, giving in, rooting, branching, extending, basking, sitting, running, walking (slowly).