Awake

Suddenly, for what seems like no reason at all, I feel more awake. And it's certainly not due to more sleep. In fact, that necessary portion of my life is dramatically parched right now. Not my body; my soul.

I just want to cry all the time, happy tears, frightful tears, at the Holiness of Jesus.

(And I try to say that phrase in the least corny way possible, but so many people say it in so many ingenuine ways that it is hard to put out there without feeling a bit silly and fake. But I mean it deeply. The Holiness of God.  I could say the word Holiness ten million times and still feel lost in the complexity and misunderstanding and awe of the word applying to One entity, God Himself.)

There is a sovereignty over the WHOLE WORLD due to this Holy-factor, and there is a sovereignty over my life as well. Which for some odd reason, is still very important to God. I am still very important to God. You are too.

So I guess a few days ago, something in me shifted. I've been feeling so "on edge".. you know that feeling, I'm sure... but I've been feeling this way since living in Australia. I've been so unsure of my future, unconfident about my ability to do this huge load of coursework, afraid that I'm going to fail in every aspect of my life. And so I've just been carrying that with me, always always praying that God would give me some sort of clarity about my future. You don't have to tell me everything God, I just need to feel reassured that I'm doing the right thing here. Am I even going the right direction? (see: ropes).

Well, after venting to my parents about my life-dilemmas, they both reassured me that I can do whatever I want with my life and they won't be disappointed. They said that I certainly don't have to do PT, I just need to do what I will love. Okay, fair enough. That's exactly what I needed to hear. And after toying with the idea of not doing PT, I want to do it again. Go figures.

So The Shift. It happened a few days ago. Studies have been harder than ever. But they don't feel impossible. I'm walking around with a peace. I'm sitting with a peace. I'm sleeping with a peace. I'm chatting with a peace. I'm praising with a peace. I'm test-taking with a peace. Peace feels like this overwhelmingly-awesome new friend that I just realized has been with me ever since kindergarten, I just never noticed her before.

Anyways, so I'm ready for the long haul that PT school brings, ready for a new kind of joy that comes with this.

Maybe it's the cold air, shocking my system back.
I saw my breath, white in the chilly wind, for the first time today.