burn the rope

Much of my life can be summed up into a series of ties. Not all ties are bad, but some are. First and foremost: there is a thick, golden-threaded, white rope that has tied me to Christ from before I can remember. It's kinda like the rope that held me while I went bungy-jumping in New Zealand (it was just about as thick as my waist)-- except this terrific rope of God's has absolutely no chance of snapping (wish I could have said that confidently before jumping nearly 134 m off of a tower... here's a vid if you're curious...). Anyways. I like that rope. I need that rope. Without it, I would fall a frightfully long way, without a hope of being saved at all. It's kinda like I've spoiled the heroic effort that shall come and sweep me off my feet just before I smash into the ground... except that I haven't spoiled a thing because somehow every time that I almost have that smash-ground experienced, I have been continually surprised by the superhero-strength, undeserved-grace that I receive from the Father.

But that's still not the point here.

I was passively listening to a song (can't even tell you what it was now..) while driving yesterday. The only phrase I hear was "burn the ropes". Something about that made my heart stutter for a sec. You know that feeling, don't you? You feel surprised by something you hear/see, but normally it would have little to no effect on you at all? Like I said, I don't even know the song.

And I'm an image kinda person. By that, I mean, I'm a huuuge daydreamer. I go through scenarios, fantastical themes, silly ideas, pretend-worlds, all sorts of things, all the time. (No wonder I have a hard time getting that homework done...). So when I heard "burn the ropes" I had an instant-image in my head of myself sawing off a big, thick, annoying rope from my boat-- it was tied off in one direction, but all of my other, cleaner, sweeter, beautifully colored and tied ropes were extending out from the other side of the boat, in no apparent single direction, but definitely not on the other side of the boat. After sawing off that stupid rope, it began to re-grow itself, reaching its fibers out towards me, towards my boat. So I grabbed a torch and sset it aflame, knowing the implications would be permanant ones.And it slithered through the sky, in that opposite direction, until finally sinking below the sea-line. The scene is actually quite similar to the Wizard of Oz scene... I could almost hear the rope screaming out in agony, "I'm melting! Melllttinnng! Oh what a world, what a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness!"

Hypotheticals are nice, but I'm a very blunt person, so I generally get annoyed after a while. What's the rope? Yeah I've been asking God that very question all day yesterday and today. And I think I got an answer.
He said to me (in the filter of my mind's own words, of course):
"'young and free', rachel? is that it? is that you're excuse?"

In order to understand why that really struck me, you'll have to have a bit of a background. So I'm about to graduate in a little under a year, yet I don't know what I'm doing yet. Typical, I know. But in my head, I'm thinking... hey, I'm young! what's the hurry? no worries, it'll all work out, i've got heaps of life to live and learn from. And I'm also thinking about the fact that I have no commitments to another individual... as in, I'm not engaged, not in a relationship, don't have to live in a certain town... I could go anywhere and do anything. A bit overwhelming, but also very freeing. I'm young and I'm free.  And therefore: no worrieees! See how that has become more of an excuse to not have to choose a career or commit to a life-place?

It's okay that I don't have all of that stuff figured out yet, but it's the fact that I'm owing it all to the fact that I'm 'young and free' and shouldn't have to care. That's stupid. The fact is, is that I'm actually on a path right now, I just can't see for the life of me what it is... but those ropes are all tied off to some other place, far off in the distance. And the only reason I'm not moving towards them is because I've got this old, snaggy, annoying rope that has been tying me to this "checkpoint island" for way too long. I was supposed to be here and gone, but I've lingered, and now I've stopped moving altogether. So the rope must be cut, must be burned. It symbolizes my youthful laziness, my inability to listen and obey, it symbolizes a whole long list of excuses that I've used to keep me from doing things that matter with my life.

So I'm working on cutting and burning that rope right now... I'm just trying to make sure I've got every little fiber of it off of my freakin boat. And I'm walking to the other side of the boat, where there is a breeze that will gently float me toward those long, mysterious ropes that were supposed to stay. Eventually, I will have to cut off others (even if just for a time, so they can grow back), and some I shall have to burn. Because they don't all go in one direction, and one day all of the important ones remaining will be in a uniform direction towards goodness and wholeness of life. But this is the first step. This is my first rope to burn of the season.

wisdom from the wise

Even the regenerated soul may sometimes suffer from the feeling that God is far from him. What then should he do?

First, the trouble may be no more than a temporary break in God-conscious communion due to any one of half a hundred causes. Trust God in the dark till the light returns.

Second, should the sense of remoteness persist in spite of prayer and what you believe is faith, look to your inner life for evidences of wrong attitudes, evil thoughts or dispositional flaws. These are unlike God and create a psychological gulf between you and Him. Put away the evil from you, believe, and the sense of nearness will be restored. God was never away in the first place. ("..in Him we live and move and have our being" Acts 17:28)

It is a splendid rule to refrain from making decisions when we are discouraged.

Periods of staleness in the life are not inevitable but they are common. He is a rare Christian who has not experienced times of spiritual dullness. Sometimes our trouble is not moral but physical. The Christian who gets tired in the work of the Lord and stays tired without relief beyond a reasonable time will go stale.

We can keep from going stale by getting proper rest, by practicing complete candor in prayer, by introducing variety into our lives, by heeding God's call to move onward and by exercising quiet faith always.

Stop trying to compete with others. Give yourself to God and then be what and who you are without regard to what others think.
Reduce your interests to a few. Don't try to know what will be of no service to you. Avoid the digest type of mind.
Learn to pray inwardly every moment. Practice candor, childlike honesty, humility. Pray for a single eye.
Read less, but read more of what is important to your inner life.
Call home your roving thoughts.
Gaze on Christ with the eyes of your soul. Practice spiritual concentration.





-an excerpt from A.W. Tozer's, 'Counsel for Faith's Journey' found in the booklet, Gems From Tozer.

I told a stretchy lie and it made me feel cooler.

This current event of mine took place at TheCanvas last night (for those of you that don't know, Canvas is a twenty-somethings collaborative ministry that seeks to experience holistic truth in the way of Jesus... me and a lot (but not all) of my friends go there every Wednesday evening).

So anyways. Got to Canvas, chatting with friends, catching up...
my pal asks me: "So Rachel, what have you been into recently? Haven't talked to you in a while!"
me: "ummm... I don't know... a lot, I guess!"
pal: "Well, like what? I wanna know what you're into now!"
(For the record... this "into" word is very typical of my life, as was stated in my previous post. I tend to pick and choose certain things to obsess over for certain seasons of my life. Or maybe God chooses them for me. Sometimes it's hard to tell. Anyways.)
me: "Well, I've been waking up real early every day to go for runs! And it's still dark out because it's at like 6:30, so it's really nice and relaxing and cool!"
pal: "Geeeez, that takes commitment! You're pretty intense!"
(And at this point, the conversation turns to other people and I start feeling a bit... unfinished.)

I wanted to say "Wait, but there's more! I do more than just wake up early and go for runs in the dark!". But I didn't.
Well, oh well. Nothin to do about that now, I'll just let him think what he wants (which translates to... now he'll just be left thinking that I'm way 'intense' and freakin awesome)(or something like that).

And then the message at Canvas last night juuuust so happened to be about being honest. That's the first step to actually experiencing the Kingdom of God. You have to be totally honest about yourself to yourself so that you can be honest to God and he can be real with you. Does that make sense? It does to me, in my head, so I hope it makes sense to you too because it is very important. The thing is, is that if I can't be honest with myself about who I really am, then how can I expect God to suddenly "work"with me in that area of my life and draw me closer to "perfection" by His Grace? If I cover myself up with pretty little fibs, then I just look so damn perfect, and the real truth is, is that I'm not all that perfect at all.

Obviously, after pondering over those thoughts for about an hour during Canvas, I was feeling a bit convicted, so to speak, about the conversation that I had with my dude-friend prior to the evening. I didn't get a chance to talk with him, so this is my public admittance instead, which may or may not be more effective.

So here's the truth about what I've been into lately: 
(I really shouldn't have covered them up if I'm so glad about them in my life. Humans are weird that way.)
- First and foremost: quietness. (Eccl. 4:6)
- Attempting to be a good, studious student.
- Playing house. (I love where I live right now!)
- Reading lots and lots of books, of the childish-type, and the Christian-Wisdom type.
- Cooking and mostly baking.
- Exercising in a normal/real-people kinda way. (not obsessing over it anymore, not wasting myself over it)
- Which has included my (almost) daily morning jogs (not runs... let's be real).
- Being crafty in any way I can (notice I don't say every way; I'm not trying to be 'artsy': just having free-time fun) 
- And I don't have to try to make the list any longer if nothing else comes directly to mind so I'm done.

Saying the truth feels pretty dang good. Give it a try. I'm certainly talking to God right now about why I felt the need to tell my friend about my non-BigDeal-runninginthemornings (to feel affirmed/to feel cool). It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the truth either. It was a stretchy lie. And that's probably not what he wanted to hear when he asked me a genuine question.

I'm gonna start to be more honest with myself/others/Father and then see what happens.

Trying Things On

So, remember my beautiful pup I mentioned, barely a post ago? Yep, she's gone now. I had to give her a new home because mine couldn't handle her. Which sounds like my way of saying "I'm not responsible enough for a dog", just in a nicer way that may prevent some from saying "told you so". However! That is not fully the case. But I won't lie, it is a part of it. Mostly, she's a pointer, and pointers love to run, love to hunt, love to be outdoors as much as possible. And our quaint little house in the middle of Bloomington, just is not adequate for her in that manner. So, a lovely couple has her now, and they have lots of land and lots of time to train her with. I'm just happy for her, that she'll be very happy now. But I do love her so much, so that was hard.

Something about Lucy's coming and going seemed familiar to me, and I had to stop and think about why. Well, as I sat in my exercise psychology class not listening and instead writing, I jotted down some thoughts on this. Here they are:

I've been "trying on" lifestyles for most of my ancient twenty-two year old life. It started in elementary school, like many behaviours often do (never discount childhood). I wanted to try being a "girlfriend" because I had heard the word and seen it in movies, and so I gave it a shot. I didn't know I was supposed to actually talk to the guy... Needless to say, it didn't work out. I decided then that having a boyfriend was silly. I tried a few more times in middle school and high school, but that first one was enough to tell me that the idea wasn't all it's cracked up to be. And I've only been in one real relationship since (didn't work out either). Other lifestyles I tried (mostly in the form of clothing): being a hippie, being hardcore/hipster, preppy, school-spirited. I would try them out for a few weeks, maybe months, maybe a day. Now I have come to be content in greys, tans, stripes, and splashes of color. I tried to be a dancer... gave that lifestyle a shot, what with all of the rehearsal schedules, constant attention on my bod, always in a mirror, many injuries... decided no, not for me either. And I tried being the caretaker of a dog. That obviously didn't work out either. This is what I do; I try on lifestyles like I try on clothes (those that know me know that this can be a tedious process).

So here I am: in limbo.
Not in a bad way, per se, but just... "trying things out".
It makes sense now why I'm having a hard time committing to the career choice of a physical therapist. I haven't had the chance to genuinely try it out to see if I want it to stick forever (or for at least a very long time).

I'd like to try out many lifestyles to find that "one": baker, small business owner, personal trainer, massage therapist, pilates instructor, missionary, PT. What's it gonna be? Is it even possible to try these all out? Probably not. But who knows. Maybe it will just be very clear to me one day. I really pray that it will be, because I think I've stressed my parents out enough. But I can't help the fact that I'm such a whirlwind of a lady. If I could help it to stop, I probably would. But then again, my life would be a lot more boring, so maybe I wouldn't.

"Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and striving after wind."

Ecclesiastes 4:6

woopdidooda

I got a new dog on August 8th, from the Kentucky Humane Society. She was really cute the first few days, all cuddled up to me and quiet. And then the real Lucy came forth... she's still cute. But she's also quite a menace sometimes. And by "sometimes", I mean at least three times a day she eats something she's not supposed to, throws up where she shouldn't, jumps a fence, etc. It's an adventure, that's for sure. Good thing I love adventures. This is certainly a learning experience for me. But I do love her, I really do. It's fun to have some"one" to take care of and keep alive. She wakes me up really early to go run with her everyday, so that's good too. She's mostly cute, sometimes evil, but most of all... she's mine and I love her. The girls at my house love her too (which is good because when I'm ready to leave her out for life, they're so gracious to her. like she lives with a bunch of lesbian moms).

I'm stressing out with school a bit, but I'm just trying to keep my head above water.
One of my goals this semester is to achieve straight A's. Exhale. Okay, I'm really gonna work for it.
I just need to prioritize and have fun with all. Keep telling myself how much I just LOVE SCHOOL!
And it'll all be alright :)

Good things in store for this season of my life. Good Good Good