eventful

I went on a rock climbing trip this weekend to Red River Gorge.. twas quite a sweet adventure. I mostly loved the outdoors and how the outdoors loves me back: the dwelling in a tent, the hiking in the woods, the hugging of rock faces. Oh yeah, and Miguel's pizza (may not be "natural" but its still in the woods). Makes my heart swell! Not to mention the fact that we had such a fun and lovely group of students that all went. I would venture to say that we all became friends. You actually can't say that for all weekend getaways... sometimes it goes the opposite direction, where people realize that they hate people. But I realized that I love people. I really love people. I love how unique everyone is, how when they're away from their normal environments, like fraternities, student groups, books, sports, etc they become just very raw and very wonderful people. We had a lot of wonderful conversations, by which we shared meaningful stories and facts and thoughts on life and the like.



On our second day, one of the instructors fell off the rock and broke her nose pretty badly. She's okay, and everyone handled it so gracefully. In fact, I would say that it brought us closer, as most "traumatic" events often do. When you spend a lot of time in a hospital with people, you get a lot more time to chat. And so we did. And we ate at a delicious mexican restaurant in Lexington (The Local Taco!). The whole weekend was a full-on success: gained new friends, gained new confidence in my climbing, and gained the remembered knowledge that I love people, no matter who they are, because all people are just people and they always have something spectacular to give to the world around them.

Awake

Suddenly, for what seems like no reason at all, I feel more awake. And it's certainly not due to more sleep. In fact, that necessary portion of my life is dramatically parched right now. Not my body; my soul.

I just want to cry all the time, happy tears, frightful tears, at the Holiness of Jesus.

(And I try to say that phrase in the least corny way possible, but so many people say it in so many ingenuine ways that it is hard to put out there without feeling a bit silly and fake. But I mean it deeply. The Holiness of God.  I could say the word Holiness ten million times and still feel lost in the complexity and misunderstanding and awe of the word applying to One entity, God Himself.)

There is a sovereignty over the WHOLE WORLD due to this Holy-factor, and there is a sovereignty over my life as well. Which for some odd reason, is still very important to God. I am still very important to God. You are too.

So I guess a few days ago, something in me shifted. I've been feeling so "on edge".. you know that feeling, I'm sure... but I've been feeling this way since living in Australia. I've been so unsure of my future, unconfident about my ability to do this huge load of coursework, afraid that I'm going to fail in every aspect of my life. And so I've just been carrying that with me, always always praying that God would give me some sort of clarity about my future. You don't have to tell me everything God, I just need to feel reassured that I'm doing the right thing here. Am I even going the right direction? (see: ropes).

Well, after venting to my parents about my life-dilemmas, they both reassured me that I can do whatever I want with my life and they won't be disappointed. They said that I certainly don't have to do PT, I just need to do what I will love. Okay, fair enough. That's exactly what I needed to hear. And after toying with the idea of not doing PT, I want to do it again. Go figures.

So The Shift. It happened a few days ago. Studies have been harder than ever. But they don't feel impossible. I'm walking around with a peace. I'm sitting with a peace. I'm sleeping with a peace. I'm chatting with a peace. I'm praising with a peace. I'm test-taking with a peace. Peace feels like this overwhelmingly-awesome new friend that I just realized has been with me ever since kindergarten, I just never noticed her before.

Anyways, so I'm ready for the long haul that PT school brings, ready for a new kind of joy that comes with this.

Maybe it's the cold air, shocking my system back.
I saw my breath, white in the chilly wind, for the first time today.

i saw the wind breathing this morning

Or maybe it was the tree.

I was out on my morning jaunt through Bryan Park, just as the sun was glowing yellow behind the trees, sparking life into creatures and growing things. The white cloudy fog was suspended in a content hover over the grassy field, among the swingsets, through the branches. I had to sprint through it, arms wide. Flying, of course.

Near the end of my loop, I decided to do a bit of conditioning, and almost did pull-ups on the workout equipment, but then thought better of that silly idea when I saw a perfectly good pine tree, with branches like a ladder, soaring up into the sky. Much better. I'm gonna call it a stinky pine from now on. It didn't have that fresh pine smell... just sorta... it had a stinky-sorta-fresh scent to it. Probably similar to my scent after a workout. Anyways, the stinky-pine beckoned me and I loved it.

So I climbed up, and I sat. And I talked to God. And I sat. And when I'm having a hard time focusing on the world around me, I just put all of my energy into looking at one single thing, such as the bark on the tree that looked like fingerprints left there by Indians long ago. And then I followed my eyes as they went down the branch, wondering over the hardened sap bubbles, sitting upon the surface of the wood. And there it was, a soft white trickling of breath gently flowing over the tree branch. I stopped breathing for a moment, just in case it was my own breath I was seeing. But it kept flowing, like a slow-motion waterfall. Sweetly breathing wind. Life, alive. God reminding me that He is indeed alive, that He is indeed Good, He is indeed very much real. Even the wind breathes. Or maybe it was the tree. Life, alive.