ahem

For the record, I'm now posting on

http://swellfull.blogspot.com/

and at..

http://graceinwilderness.blogspot.com/

The first one is mostly thoughts, etc, the second is more of a daily devo thing with me and God.

:)

I'm Still Here, Even More Than Ever Before

sweet Goodness, the past few months have been a journey for me. call me Sojourner.

My eyes are opening, my heart is softening, my mind expanding, body strengthening, spirit learning, soul is giving way.

the truth of the Greater Picture just keeps fluctuating. I know that I know that I know that it is so much Greater than I usually realize. 

I'm about to graduate, and with that comes a whole heap of insecurities, of expectations, of feelings of failure, of fear, of doubt.

Keeping my head above water has been a challenge, but I'm learning. 

Everyday I have to re-group. Make some lists. Step back and breathe. Pray pray and pray some more (that's the most important).

When I say my "soul is giving way" this is what that means:

surrender

letting go of my expectations

allowing my life and my desires to be moldable (to the Lord's, but to no one else's)

ya know those tension strings that seem to make your shoulders tighter, your heart feel like its about to pop if you twist too much, your rib cage wrapped too closely around your lungs making breaths shorter, and your brow furrow in a series unattractive skin folds on your face? 

.... letting my soul give way to God is manifested through is snapping some of those strings or stretching them out.

I can't dance when I'm tight like that.

I can't breathe, can't think, can't sit and absorb Him. 

It does nothing good for me and does nothing good for the world, for the Kingdom (here and coming).

"But I know that You delight in me; 

my enemy will not shout out in triumph over me.

But You have upheld me because of my integrity

and set me in Your presence forever." Psalm 41

Facts:

-the value system that the world works by is incomplete (I am not defined by my GPA, my degree, my internships, etc)

-the Kingdom of God is eternal, the world is not.

-our Father God will ultimately glorify Himself at whatever cost; whether we choose to join Him or not.

-He will not put us to shame, if we remain in Him, abiding in Him (Psalm 25)

-"Seek first the Kingdom of God and His Righteousness and all things will be added to you" (Matt 6)

-"There is no fear in love, but perfect Love casts out fear" (1John 4)

-"These signs will accompany those who believe: in My Name they will cast out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up serpents with their hands; and if they drink any deadly poison, it will not hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover" (Mark 16:17-18) 

-"Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you" (James 4:8) 

I am glad to be here. 

I am fuller, ready, moving, breathing, non-mechanical, eager, joyful, okay, sometimes anxious, sometimes angry, in love, surrendering, listening, praying, giving in, rooting, branching, extending, basking, sitting, running, walking (slowly). 

  

good morning

the morning is fresh. it is light and it is easy and it is not heavy. waking up is slow, and thoughts trickle in one by one, as they should. something is wrong if you wake up with a furrowed brow, with screaming voices hitting the walls of your skull from the inside out, if it feels like you're stepping onto a desert, wicked land when your feet meet the ground by your bed. i praise the Lord because that is not how my morning's feel, at least not anymore. in fact, there's never been a time where they've consistently been like that, just a few days interspersed.


"i have loved you', says the Lord" (malachi 1:1)

"but for you who fear my name the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. you shall go out leaping like a calf from the stall." (malachi 4:2)

"cake"

I thought I would just bake a cake
but it's usually more than "just baking a cake"

it's time, drawn out time
deliberately working with my hands
with smells and with textures.
it's a process that
I can see through to its end.

I don't usually tell a story
but this time I will.

it's eggs and flour and salt and pepper for home
it's black pepper for unexpected everythings and someones
it's vanilla bourbon sorghum for kentucky
it's sugar for comfort and softness
it's ginger for healing and being healed now
it's butter for love
it's dark chocolate trees for where I always find myself
it's dark chocolate skies for the beauty of not knowing

and this is where I am,
but I don't know what comes next.
and this is how I baked my cake today.

okay, hey

I've stepped away and now my feet feel shaky under the weight of my legs. It's hard to tell if the ground is wobbly or if it's just me.

I'm ready to feel enchanted again.
I'm eager for a deep, deep breath to sweep in and cleanse my whole self.
I want to write more, and write more honestly.


I was, and still am, very annoyed by my computer and by technology in general. I really hate how much time I spend sitting in front of a glaringly bright screen, scrolling up, scrolling down, click that, double click, crap why isn't this working fast enough, then comes the swirling multi-colored ball of hate, okay now it's back and running, I'll just stay clicking and scrolling for another hour or two.
And that's why I hate computers.

But I don't have to. I can spend more time reading, more time sitting and staring at the trees outside my window as I eat, more time jogging, walking to campus, going to yoga (or not paying for it and doing it in my room), painting more, crafting for the heck of it, crafting with friends, folding paper cranes, cuddling in my blankets after a long day, engaging in more conversations, baking creations, cooking for roommates, etcetera. So therefore, any time that I do spend at my computer, can just be used for a purpose, and it doesn't have to be so dang wasteful as it used to be. I've gone so long without being a computer-crazy person that I've been afraid to come back to blogging. But now I'm ready because I just love words and I love typing them out because it helps me to sort through things and to put thoughts together more clearly. I don't care if anyone reads, though I'm sure that no one will anyways. This is for me, for my sanity, for my chance again at word-enchantment.

So here goes nothin.

Wise Steinbeck

New York
November 10, 1958

Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.
First -- if you are in love -- that's a good thing -- that's about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don't let anyone make it small or light to you.
Second -- There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you -- of kindness and consideration and respect -- not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn't know you had.
You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply -- of course it isn't puppy love.
But I don't think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it -- and that I can tell you.
Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.
The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.
If you love someone -- there is no possible harm in saying so -- only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.
Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.
It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another -- but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.
Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I'm glad you have it.
We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.
And don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens -- The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

Love,
Fa

i'll tell you why i like the cold

here's my list:

1) bundling up with layers and layers of soft jackets
2) wearing knitted mittens, because it feels romantic
3) fast-walking to keep warm (always getting a workout!)
4) when my cheeks and nose turn red
5) when my lips become so cold that I can't properly form words anymore
6) the stillness and whiteness of nearly everything except for people and squirrels
7) girls can't dress as scandalous, and boys can't flaunt their buffness
8) sipping warm drinks, even if just for the sake of less-numb fingers
9) running outside in the snowy wet wonderland, and actually getting hot
10) catching snowflakes on my tongue
11) feeling like I have an excuse to stay inside and do crafts and bake
12) scarfs
13) fireplaces
14) thawing out next to fireplaces after playing outside (or just walking home)
15) the list goes on but i can't think of anything else right now